i remember the days, when you were a hero in my eyes
but those were just a long lost memory of mine

yes...i know i said only one post today. but...i feel so confused right now. i just got to let things out. at least some of them. someone told me before that we should 'empty' out our troubles before the end of each day so that it would not be brought forward to the next. a day spent in happiness or sadness is still a day spent. it all matters about how you want the spend the day.

and this time it's not about homework. (in case you people out there thinks my life just revolves around school, studies and homework, then you really dont know me)

seeing them so dejected and sad just doesn't make my life any easier, you know. i used to hate you, i used to push every single blame to you and pretend you never existed. but i know it's wrong. and i'm still trying very hard to overcome this, i've not made it, but i'm really trying very hard. everytime i see the pain on _____ face, i just can't help but feel angry all over again. why can't you just be like every other ordinary person? i don't ask of you to treat me or anyone else exceptionally well. i just ask of you to be normal, an ordinary kid living an ordinary life. you once were, but not anymore. and the day you changed, was the day the world came crashing down. (at least in our hearts) you can never ever imagine the pain and suffering that we're all under. because to you, the world revolves around you. you just don't give a damn about how we feel (or do you?) do you know how difficult life has become for all of us? i know, i seem so nonchalant, almost as if i didn't give a damn. but has it ever occurred to you that you're the first person i mention every night in my prayers? do you know that i listen intently about your progress each day? do you know that i still love you for being my _____ despite all the grief you've caused in us? do you know that i'm still waiting for this whole nightmare to be over and just wish to wake up from this all one day? do you know that i still hold on to the small glimmer of hope no matter how much i swear and curse in front of everyone else? yes...i really do care about you. but what's the point of us trying so hard when you dont even try to help yourself? you're sucha strong and smart person, you have a life full of potential and hope in front of you, but you're slowly ruining your chances with your own hands. chances don't come easy, yet, you let them slip past. and then you turn around and blame the whole wide world except yourself. you claim that we don't understand you. yes! i really don't understand you anymore. i really don't understand why have you become the way you are now. you claim that we don't respect your decision. but ask yourself, have you been a matured and wise kid? have you been making right decisions for yourself? if you were, why do they still have to hold on to you so tightly. the answer is really simple. it's because they love you. and in spite of everything, they will still be there for you. everyone is waiting. waiting for you to change, waiting for you to repent. but really, when will that day come? three and a half years has been a really long wait. i don't know how much longer they can hold on. seeing the tears fall each night just pains my heart. it tears my heart apart. but i still pretend nothing is wrong. because i dont want to give them more pain than what they have now. i try hard to be the person they wanted you to be, but i cant. simply because i am not you. the day true happiness and smile return back to our lives, is the day when you become well. do you understand? i dont think you'll ever see this. at least not for now. but i hope to live to the day to see you well again, then i'll show this to you. it is only then will you fully understand what i have written. in the meantime, all i can do is be strong, and give them what you can't. you're like a thief stealing away sunshine and happiness from our life.

i really don't care what you other people think of me anymore. i have my life, you have yours. you won't fully understand mine, neither will i understand yours. so don't pretend that you know when you don't. i don't need you to act all mushy and ask me what's wrong. i just need _____ to be well. do you get my point?i'm sorry for this emotional post. but it has been so long. i just dont know what to do anymore since telling any other human won't make things any different. the facade is fading off, and i've got no mood to paint it on again. but then again, i know that the Lord is my refuge, and i will seek cover under His everlasting arms.

it's not ok, but we're alright

signed and sealed with love at...10:58 PM
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