it takes alot of courage

although pearlyn and i were super late for campfire,
although there weren't alot of teachers to visit,
although i was still feeling emo and upset about school,
although i didn't really join in for campfire
although i didn't have the chance to really talk to ms ho
although i really really miss enterprise
i'm really glad i went back to crescent!

it just feels so good to be back.
seeing the familiar faces (of some), the school flag, parade square, canteen etc etc. it's enough to make me cry. i was tearing when i went off alone for awhile to get my bags and food which we brought for dinner. oh man. i really miss my past life so much. the time when i knew exactly what i should do, where i should go, how i should do things. it's hard to start at zero all over again.

i've been spending pretty much of tonight (and actually the past few nights) thinking about my life ahead. and the more i start to ponder, the more lost and alone i feel. it's like every single decision i make right now will (in)directly affect my future. and so i end up trying to sleep because that's the only time when i'm not consciously thinking about stuff.

in the past, i was so sure that njc would be the place for me. i worked so hard to get the grades so as to make the cut for the school. but after 3 days i'm feeling so lost that i start to wonder if it was the right choice right from the start. i know 3 days isn't exactly good enough to make a fair and good judgement. but right from the day i received the subject combi notification in the holidays, it just wasn't right. i used to convince myself that maybe i was just too uptight about starting out in a new environment. maybe i still am, but... i really dont know anymore.dont get me wrong, i'm not saying nj is not a good school. all i'm trying to bring across is that i'm having a really hard time adapting and i believe everyone has a 'special' school which would work out for them. i'm just wondering if nj is the one which will work out for me.

the more i think about it,
the more people tell me about it,
the more i question myself about it,
i start to feel as if i've lost focus. not sure of where i'm going and what i'm working for. there's so many things to consider. so much has happened that i dont even know if i should continue for my subject combi anymore. the things i used to be so certain about seems to blur before me as i struggle to work things out.

i dont know if:
- nj is the place for me
- going into the arts stream is the right choice
- taking history and geog is the right choice
- changing to another jc would be a better choice
- my o level results would tell me where to go
- i should even try china studies in english
- i should switch to the science stream
- next week would be better
- i'm the only one in the entire college with my odd combi
- my new class/og would be nice and fun
- which cca should i join? nothing seems to interest me anymore. even if it did, i lack the courage to even try and commit

it's hard to pen down what i'm feeling. cause i dont know them myself. i'm just trying to keep my mind open for orientation next week. i'm prepared to be without any crescentians, i'm prepared to play hard in my og. i'm just prepared to do anything to make my life better. but sometimes i dont know why i'm doing all these because at the end of the day, maybe i'm just losing bits of myself trying to fit in.

i'm really sorry for the depressing posts lately. i didn't expect to feel so sad for the week. in fact i was kinda looking forward to jc life. i'm not giving up hope yet, because i still believe next week would be better. i hope i'm not wrong. with god's grace, i know i can somehow make it through.

in fact ytd was the best day of the past 3 days already. i stuck with my og for the entire day without looking for chuting and zifang (except during cca orientation. but i walked around with my og first) i had fun during mass dance. lunch was pretty alright too because there wasn't much of awkward silence, despite the fact that more than half the og disappeared (as usual).

i wanted to blog about the chinese wedding which i attended today as one of the 'sisters'. but currently i'm too drained to do a proper recap. so i shall just leave things here for now. i'll try to post something more interesting/happy soon.

signed and sealed with love at...8:56 PM
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