hate is such a strong word

yes it is, but i feel it all the same. i think all the headings i've given my posts are pretty relevant to what i'm feeling at the time of posting. you know, i really can't take it anymore and pretend nothing's wrong. and no...this time i'm not talking about the camp. but i think i'll really break down in the camp. i am just just so tired of everything. i want everything to return back to the way it used to be. when she would always be there to listen to what i've got to say and never shout at anything and everything that happens around the house. when he would always be the calm one and never lost his cool no matter how naughty we were. when he would laugh his silly laugh and talk about card games and stuff to the youngest. when ED is not even in our vocab and it seems so foreign as if it would never ever happen. when we all lived happily and i had a childhood i could be proud of and would never fail to bring a smile to my face. Do you know how sickening it is to come back each day and face the same old problem again? it has been going for two and a half yrs. i don't know how long more i can take it. all i know is that i'm breaking down right now and i really cant continue on anymore. i really want to run away from this ______ and be a normal kid agn. but all these are no longer possible. and i want to put joy and happiness into their lives becuz it has never been easy for them. if i feel like i'm dying, then it would be hell for them. it's never easy to do all these at the same time. yet they never gave up. i just want to to everything that he couldn't do for them. but i know i can never be on par with him. every day, every minute, every second, their thoughts are on him. and i don't blame them. but do u know how much it affects me too in the long run? the house has lost the warmth it once had. every conversation revolves around him. now, where do i even stand in your life? i know you still love me. and i'm not trying to be jealous or anything here. i'm just so sick of him. he is the one who caused all these freaking crap to happen. and i know i should rely on God to pull me through all these. but i really cant help but feel all these emotions. i used to swallow them down and just try to bluff myself that i'm just a silly girl throwing tantrums. but this time i know i'm not. and i'm fully aware of what i am saying.
maybe just maybe i would say i come from a family with 2 kids instead of 3. becuz you are no longer in my vocab. i rather believe u never existed in my life. yes. i know i'm running away from the facts. but if it brings me more peace then i would rather choose this path.






it just hurts too much.

signed and sealed with love at...3:42 PM
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