and i dont know how to be fine when i'm not...
just so you know these feelings taking control of me

this might be sudden news to some, but nothing surprising to others.
i've moved to http://xoplastichearts.livejournal.com
most entries are friends-locked at the moment, but i'll start some public ones when i'm not feeling too emo.

so for those who doesn't want to read emo entries, do not add me as a friend. and if you do add me as a friend, please state who you are so that i can keep track of who's reading my private posts.

and thanks to all of you for being such faithful readers of signedandsealedwithlove for the past year. thank you for either being the silent reader who keeps my visitor counter jumping, or for the more vocal one and tagging. thank you for those who bothered to tag and try to provide some form of advice/encouragement or just to tell me that you're still reading this blog and concern with what i'm going through. i'm sorry that i dont usually reply my tags but i do read them very often and whatever you guys say do have an impact on me. i promise that i'll be replying the comments you leave on my livejournal.

i might or might not be deleting this entire blog. but i prefer not to at the moment as it holds many precious memories i've had for the past year or so and i do intend to revisit both the good and bad ones occasionally, just to remind myself that i've been through worst in the past.

so i hope it's a fresh start over at xoplastichearts and do keep checking there as i'll try to put up public posts.

signed and sealed with love at...11:46 PM
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disclaimer: i look really bad because i didn't go home at all while everyone else was all dressed up. and in any case i'm so shagged

this was on monday when we had island creamery









signed and sealed with love at...12:55 AM
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i'm going back to crescent tomorrow. i cant wait to see the familiar red parade square, the familiar sea of yellow and peacock green, the pigeon holes where we stuffed our mountains of essays before the o's, the library where we had steaming cups of milo while mugging our asses off, the fact that i could walk straight into any toilet and not worry that i'm in the male's toilet, i can sit and talk like an ahlian without worrying that people would start to judge me and give me weird looks. the bottomline is, i miss my second home and i dont know when i'll really start to feel that way in jc (wherever i am even after jae).

i'm already tearing as the past memories come flooding back while typing this entry. but i hope i dont break down tomorrow. i want to be strong for my juniors, for you, you and you. and most importantly for myself. crying doesn't solve anything and it only makes matters worst in certain cases. i'm happy to be back in crescent tomorrow, even if it's just for awhile. i need to be happy, to show that i'm happy.

ok, enough about lamenting. it's only the 3rd day of official lectures and tutorials and i have homework piling up. not a good sign at all. i dont understand why people say first month is honey moon, because it doesnt seem that way with people finishing their tutorials way ahead of time and looking as if they understand every single thing the lecturer is talking about. it's stressful and eats up my soul bit by bit as i realise how inadequate i am. i'm so tired i really dont feel like going to school anymore. i'll probably sound like the world's biggest loser lately, but this is one of the only few ways i get to pen down my thoughts and sort them out.

maybe i'll look back one day and laugh at how immatured and childish i am right now. and frankly speaking, i despise myself for being such a weakling right now. where's the drive in me? no matter how little i had to start with, at least it was there. but not anymore.

goodbye emo yuexi, hello to my second home.

signed and sealed with love at...10:50 PM
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and with a tear in my eye, give me the sweetest goodbye (from laura's friendster picture caption)

we've received individual timetables today and mine is rather shitty. like i only have lessons till 1030 tomorrow and i've got to wait all the way till about 1340 for CAAL which only ends at 1510. )= i really dont know what i should do to kill time? maybe i should attempt to get myself fit by running on the track tomorrow. but it would look so funny to do it alone and i dont know anyone else who has similar timetable as me. or maybe i should just force myself to sit down and read through plate tectonics, do math and probably find out the lecture times for chemistry so that i could sit in. tomorrow is not the only day with lots of empty slots between lessons.

i'm so emotionally drained each day i just come home at 3plus and sleep all the way till 6. sleep allows me to stop thinking about the future, about results day which should be in about a week's time, about what is in store for me. and i tend to eat alot when i'm stressed. which is a really really bad thing. it's kind of pointless to talk to anyone about my fears anymore, because i've either told them or it's just the same few advices. ultimately the decision lies in me and myself. no one can help me make the choice. i guess i just need to take a break from it all. talk to everyone about anything except school/jc life/results/cca. i just want to pretend that nothing is going wrong in my life and i'm in absolute control like in the past.

why is it that everyone else is having no problems at all settling down while i'm taking such a long time. i didn't expect to feel this way at all. it's so much worst than i thought. maybe i'm not giving myself a chance, but whenever i try to smile, it just feels so fake. i've never smiled from the bottom of my heart for a long time and that's really tiring.

signed and sealed with love at...8:41 PM
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it's only monday and i'm counting down to the weekends

official start of lectures today. only attended geog h1 and chem h2 today. technically i only had to attend geography, but i was interested to find out how chemistry would go just in case i decide to switch over to science stream, or take h1 chem.

geography was super freaky because we're only going to cover plate tectonics for the entire j1 year. and the scary part is i've not touched the whole chapter for o's so i'm quite lost when the teacher teaches. plus she asks each and every student in the class questions which is super freaky because there's only 16 of us and i hardly know anything about plates! gosh. i was dying in that 50mins. i hope it gets better after i attempt to digest every single word in my marriane chong before the next lesson. now i understand why people say nj is a mugger school. not that it's a bad thing. just that it sucks to know that everyone in the class understands while you're q lost. and that's what i mean when i talk about the whole 'small fish in a big sea' concept. hahs

anyway went to the library to slack for about an hour before deciding to attend bio lecture with weiwen since she accompanied me for geography. was rather reluctant and i just spent the time reading the chem lecture notes while the bio teacher droned on about some bio concepts which were super similiar to organic chemistry with all the saturated and unsaturated double carbon carbon bonds.

next up was chem and i felt more at home there. finally one lesson for the day which i was able to understand and grasp. of course there are certain concepts which i still need to revise through since it has been months since i've touched chemistry. i shall continue to crash chem lectures as long as my timetable permits me to do so.

last minute decision to meet edwyna for lunch at serene centre. island creamery after jap food. at this rate i'm going to balloon into a lump of fat. no more sugary, fattening, oily and sinful food for the week. and once again, food is sapping me of my money. )=

ok. short one today because it's my brother's turn to use the net. i'm still stuck with the LAN cable till feb because that's when we can switch over to the mio plan.

signed and sealed with love at...11:12 PM
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HAPPY SEXY SEVENTEENTH SUIKIM PAL!

stay pretty like always and remember your six months singlehood promise still holds! hahs. anyway i'm really glad to have such a wonderful friend like you. we're 8yrs and counting. that's really really long. i'm glad for having you by my side throughout this whole difficult period of growing up, knowing that you'll never judge me and will always be there to listen to me. there were times we didn't talk for weeks or even months, but you've always hold a special place in my heart and will never fail to pop out in my mind at the most unexpected moments. taking this opportunity to wish you all the best in this year and remember to stay true to yourself. remember that in whatever you do, i'll always be silently supporting you and will always be there for you. love you with the whole of my tiny heart! ((=

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

your bestie,

Yue Xi

presenting to you my pretty besties since primary school! (((=

signed and sealed with love at...9:16 PM
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every experience begins with the first step: njc orientation 2008-STEP UP

ytd was a really long day in school because we stayed from 7.30am till 9.30pm. we had the usual stuff like mass dance, og bonding, gang bonding etc in the day. it was pretty fun during mass dance because we've finally completed all 2 official dances and learnt the third one. although i really do have super poor memory which results in me relying on others for the next dance step, it was nice to just sweat it out and have fun. plus it was cool that i didn't have to dance with any guy for this week's mass dance sessions cause the twins held on to me tightly to prevent us from being seperated. and as for yesterday, weiwen and i held on for dear life too so that parvan wouldn't drag us to join another og. from past experience, it isn't as much fun dancing with a guy. esp when he's so anti social and doesn't take the initiative to do anything. mummy reckons it's just because i'm too used to being in an all-girls environment. hahs. but guys can be such 'jerks' at times. (oops if i offend anyone!)

so anyway, we had dinner at al ameen behind beauty world. and i can hereby conclude that cheese mushroom prata + curry + teh bing=very bad combi because i felt like puking so badly after the meal. i dont know if it's because of the excessive oil from the prata/curry or was it because of some funny reaction of curry and teh bing. but whatever it is i felt so uncomfortable. )= and just when we were about to finish our meal, it started to rain cats and dogs so we were stranded there for about 15mins while waiting for the rain to die down. in the end we resorted to running in the rain when it died down to a drizzle. but my second pair of sports shoes for the day still got soaked through and i was left with slippers for the rest of the night. luckily i brough extra sport shoes and slippers.

moving on, campfire night was cancelled because it was drizzling/ground was wet. ))= so we had dance party instead. initially we were still trying to dance because the hall was pretty cool with ALL lights off plus disco lights and smoke. but i couldn't really stand the pounding of music against my eardrums plus i didn't know of any cool dance moves to groove to the music so i kept escaping out of the hall. and so it got pretty boring for me. and i conclude that i wont like to go clubbing next time because the whole noisy, stuffy and sweaty environment do turn me off. i hate it especially when someone sweats so much and accidentally touches you. the sweat gets on you and it's just plain gross. oh wells. just my personal opinion on this. and in any case many of the guys were trying to hit on girls and that was q disgusting too. lucky i didn't stay in there for long. there was once when i went in alone to try to look for some people and this group of cat high guys tried to dance with me. like WTH!

decided to go crash HC campfire instead. which was pretty cool cause they got a fire! i wanted to see a proper fire so badly ever since crescent's campfire on friday. but of course the main motive was to see my darling edwyna baby. ((= gosh i miss you so much. although we stood rather silently for most of the time, i hope it cheered you up to see my face. stay strong bestie! anw i spent more than 40mins trying to get out of the mega huge school cause the first 2 gates i went to were locked! damn. i was so frustrated and alone. it was so freaky cause it was dark and i was all alone plus edwyna's phone died so i couldn't call her for help to get out of the school. i'm so sorry chuting for making you wait so long for me. but with zifang's help i managed to get out of the school and was super tired by then. i was in a foul mood too cause i had to walk so much. goodness, i'm glad i'm not in HC if not i will lose weight within the first month.

anyway i stayed up really late till 2 plus last night although i was dead beat. i was talking to ms tan and jim online and it's funny how they like many others find that i lack confidence. hiaz.

ok, i shall go appease my mum by attempting to clear my wardrobe and my study table. i'm taking so long to get the job done and most of the time i end up looking at pictures or reading letters instead.

signed and sealed with love at...11:43 AM
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a snapshot of time is just a memory of mine

i'm still suffering from 'exhuastion' from yesterday's quest. actually it wasn't THAT bad, but i guess it's because i've become such a great lump of fat ever since crescent stopped mass run for sec 4s before the prelims, which is about 5mths ago. i'm missing mass run so much cause it makes me feel like i'm exercising, although the distance is less than 1.6km. hiaz.

but nj orientation has been kind and pretty fun this week. i must say the ogls have put in alot of effort to plan each and every detail. plus they took great care of us. three cheers for them! (=

hmms...nothing much to update about since i dont wish to go into details about my day. i shall go check out my timetable tomorrow but i dont have a very good feeling about it. i took a quick glimpse at it today and if i didn't misread anything, i only have 1 lesson to attend on monday from 8am-8.50am and i'm free for the rest of the day till 1. that sucks because that's alot of time wasted. )= maybe i should go sit in for chem lectures and see if i want to take it after jae. for all i know i might be switching over to science stream if i want to take h2 chem. but i guess that's q a low possibility. never mind, i shall fret about all these when the time comes for it.

there's a part of me which cant wait for the weekends because it means i'm going to meet familiar faces which i really miss a whole lot although it's just about 2 weeks apart. plus i'm really excited to hit the shops again to continue my hunt for new year clothes. i hope i can buy somemore nice stuff although i highly doubt so. and the idea of just sitting down over a cuppa drink or ice cream and filling each other up about our lives is something i always look forward too.

i'm pretty much into quirky cafes with perfect ambience etc, i think it's cool. makes you forget about life for awhile as you relax and enjoy the peace and calm all around. i wish i had a car so that i could go to exciting and new places. i wish there was someone who share my passion/joy in sourcing out new places and being willing to try them out. someone who knows where to go and to just keep quiet instead of rattling non-stop at the appropriate times. maybe sometimes it's good to be alone, just maybe. there's alot of things i wish to do, but maybe now isn't the time yet. ok, i'm digressing again.

i dont know if i'm the one who change, or if you are the one. i dont know how to bring this across but i miss the old you. the less ego one, the one with a stand instead of being swayed by the world. i pretend i dont see it or hear it. but sometimes it just hit be hard that people can be so superficial at times. i find it hard to trust someone like this because i dont know when you'll turn around and bitch about me. it scares me to see how you lie so easily without any hesitation. i worry if you do the same to me and if you ever lied to me while i just believe every single thing you told me. there were times when i just feel so tired talking to you because i know what i say have little or no effect on you at all. you just pretend to listen and the next minute you go back to your 'old ways'. it seems like you tell me your so-called problems just so that you can bask in that attention and concern i give you. you just keep telling me the same few things everytime we talk and i end up repeating my advices time and time again. i dont know how to put these down in words. but i've tried to hint about how i feel before, but you're too caught up with your own little things you never really bothered. of course there were times when you were really nice to me, for that i'm really thankful and glad. it's also such memories which keeps me holding on to this friendship. sometimes i just feel like trying in the towel and not give a damn anymore. it's easy if i want to because we're all in different schools now and it's easy to just not stay in contact anymore. no matter how much i hesitate to admit this, i cant help but realise that maybe you mean so much more to me. that's why i'm saying this here because i know telling you face-to-face would be useless. i hope you would start to think about the way you've been treating me and everyone else. most importantly are you being fair to yourself? are you losing bits of the real you in an attempt to be 'cool' or whatever? i think that's the last thing i would want to see happen. i know you're nice by nature, so why change for the worst? do something before it's too late.

signed and sealed with love at...9:38 PM
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